A friend and I have been trading notes on grief. I forgot to tell him about Stephen Dunn’s poem “Propositions.”
It’s about thinking and feeling. And more precisely: It’s about our activities before they are formalized by reflection. And so the poem also is about honesty and our capacity to be honest. “Propositions” begins with these propositions:
Anyone who begins a sentence with, “In all honesty … “
is about to tell a lie. Anyone who says, “This is how I feel”
had better love form more than disclosure. Same for anyone
who thinks he thinks well because he had a thought.
The poet makes several claims, but the one that interests me is that honesty must involve some discovery.
Saying “You’re ugly” to someone who is ugly can be cruel, but it can’t be honest. That lack of discovery disqualifies it as an honest statement.
I think — but am not sure — that this is my problem with my own attempts to express grief. Almost everything I can think of to say about grief doesn’t seem right — and I suspect Dunn is right that the problem involves honesty.
I can wail, holler and cry. But I make no discoveries in doing any of that. If I try to add words to the howling it doesn't help — at least it doesn't help me. Grief is grief, and explanations that go further just don't seem to enlighten me.
• Sources and notes: Stephen Dunn, “Propositions,” Poetry, September, 2016, p. 487. It’s online here:
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/90298/propositions
Stephen Dunn was one of the wonderful poets of my lifetime. His death in 2021 was a source of grief.
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